Fake Fight! Fake Fight!

Today BB will surprise the house guests with a dog. A dog for a day. America had the choice to vote in a bunny or a dog. Seriously. A dog for a day! I'm sure this will make for positively riveting live feeds. It has nothing to do with the game, but who cares about game anymore?  Look at the cute doggie!

Maybe it's a therapy dog, and Victoria will learn to love animals. She is gonna freak the fook out when they find that dog in the house. She's deathly afraid of dogs, and cats, and squirrels, and crows. Especially crows.

Plus, Victoria has other things on her mind today. Very important things. Last night she and Derrick came up with a plan to help Derrick stay in the game after Victoria leaves. Well, it's really Derrick's plan. He got a little worried earlier, when Caleb told him that Frankie said Derrick will have lots of jury votes because he is a family man. That's when Derrick started working on a plan.  Then he worked his magic on Victoria, and she thinks they came up with it together. Derrick is tricky that way.

Victoria will act like she is mad at Derrick because he told her he wouldn't be voting to keep her. She'll tell Frankie that she is so mad at Derrick for working with the guys that she will not vote for him if he is in the final two.  She will fake cry, and tell Frankie that Nicole told her that the jury hates Derrick. All of this is to convince Frankie that Derrick is not a threat, that he has no jury votes.  She will lie, and cry, and Frankie will believe her.

Fake fight!! Fake Fight!! Derrick tells her to go for it. He tells her that she can can be as nasty as she likes. He tells her how impressed he is that she can fake cry. The more they talk about this plan, the happier Victoria is. She is loving this!

The best part is that when she votes for Derrick to win, she will get to tell Frankie that this was all a lie! She will smash his dreams on national television!  And Derrick will win! And it will be because of Victoria! She is so excited that she wants to start right now!!!

Derrick thinks maybe they should do it later. They decide to start either this morning, or around 5:00 pm. And then, on Wednesday, if the gold button changes things, and Victoria stays, they will pretend to make up. He coaches her on what to say. She can say all kinds of bad things about him, that's cool. She says she knows exactly how to do this. She is sure that she can pull this off. She is so happy about this plan that she completely forgets that she will soon be voted out.

Fake fights in Big Brother rarely work. They usually involve a fake confrontation. And the fake fight always looks pretty much like a fake fight. It's all up to Victoria now. I hope she can do it. I don't really think that Derrick needs her help to stay. I just want to see Victoria trick Frankie with her fake fighting skills. You go girl!

Derrick takes a moment to tell the live feeders that he is taking a page out of Dan's play book, comparing this fake fight to Dan's funeral. Derrick, you are nothing like Dan. Dan worked his magic with three or four key words and a lot of listening. You need a thousand words, repeated over and over, to get things done. Dan sprayed a mind control mist, you wield a brain washing fire hose.

So, that's the plan. Fake fight and dog-for-a-day. Will Victoria be so freaked out about the dog that she forgets her lines? Or will she use her fear of all living creatures to give us the best fake fight we've ever seen?  Fake Fight FTW!!!

                                                 Have a Dorky Day!

Rewinds, Rat Patrols, And Cowtopia Sex! Oh My!

While everyone else was over in Utopia watching some night vision hanky panky, I was waiting for the results of the Veto comp.  I'm guessing that BB production got the memo about two Utopians having sex in the cow shed, because they turned on the feeds while the hgs were still locked in separate rooms, waiting for the timed comp to be over.

Sorry Big Brother, Victoria locked in the storage room can't compete with a cow cam and sexy, slurping, sound effects. I was pretty much the only one in chat still watching BB feeds.

Caleb is locked in the hive room, shouting out hashtags about being American. He is a Made In America BeastMode Cowboy! Then he starts rambling about tailgate parties and celebrating America.  This turns into a public service announcement about nose picking. "Don't be diggin' in yer nose!" Caleb, Caleb, Caleb! What in the world are you auditioning for now?

Derrick is pacing in the fire room. He is nervousing big time. Victoria is in the storage room with all that food, and so many mirrors! She is foraging, nibbling, and looking in the mirror every 5 seconds. Derrick is pacing like a madman, and Victoria is just sitting around reading labels. The only thing she seems worried about is how she looks while reading labels. Not a BB care in the world.

Frankie is locked up in the HOH room making sure the cameras are following his every move. He is performing his I-Am-So-Fabulous-I-Build-Schools-In-Africa monologue. We have about 5 minutes of this nonsense before an intern tears himself away from watching the Utopia cow/sex cam long enough to switch us back to stupid Jeff videos.

The feeds come back, and of course, Frankie won the Veto. He won it for his boys! To keep his boys safe! He is carrying these boys to the final four! He's won so many comps he can't even count them anymore! He is such a huge target now!  But it's all for his boys!  Frankie leaps, and twirls, and sings about his boys!

Meanwhile, Derrick, Caleb, and Cody are all busy counting Frankie's wins, while trying to remember when The-Best-Worst-Alliance-Ever changed it's name to Frankie's Boys.

Derrick and Frankie have a quick Team America meeting in the bathroom. Once again, they figure out a way to do the task in the most half-assed way possible. The task is to wear down the competition by convincing everyone there's a rodent in the house and keep them up all night trying to catch it.

That sounds like an all night task to me. I'm America!  I'm in this alliance too! So are you! If you were the least bit interested in this stupid task, wouldn't you want crazy Rat Patrol antics all night long?  Does Team America care a damn about America? Nope!

At 12:38 they decide that that they will just keep everyone awake playing pool. Then at 3:00 they will start the Rat Patrol. They will only have to keep it up till 6:00. Derrick wants to start at 2:00, making sure it's long enough. Frankie says no, 3:00 is fine, well within the parameters of the task. Team America has officially turned an all night task into a three hour let's-fool-production-and-America con job.

The Rat Patrol is amusing for a little while. Cody up on a chair is hilarious. Caleb is a fearless rat hunter who would have torn that kitchen apart if Derrick didn't get him busy making mouse traps. Victoria just screamed a lot. By 6:00 Team America is confident that they gave BB enough rat related shenanigans to win the task. None of the other hgs seem to question why, all of a sudden, it's okay to call off the rat patrol and go to bed.

So, Frankie's Veto win means nothing. The Gold Button Rewind makes it null and void, along with his noms, and his HOH win. This makes me a wee bit happy.  But it makes me wonder if that golden button truly rewinds everything.

Does the rewind also work on the TA task? Snatching the $5000 right from their hands? Making us shout with glee at another overwhelming fail? Yes. please!

                                                   Have a Dorky Day!

OK! Let's Play Big Brother! Who Want's To Be The Britney?

Well, another day of boring feeds. I never learn. I figure it's nomination day and maybe we'll have a surprise. Maybe Frankie's noms will bring us a little excitement!  Maybe I'm a fool! Ya think?

The feeds go down for hours, and when they come back, still no noms. Turns out that Jeff & Jordan were in the back yard getting engaged!  Imagine that! And there was a party!  With cake, and champagne, and music!  Who cares?

I love Jordan, she's a hoot!  And Jeff is okay, I guess. But I don't care if they get married. If you love them, if you care about this engagement, good for you. I'm fine with that. I'm not bashing Jeff & Jordan. I just want the nom ceremony to be over, so that I can start complaining about it!

By the time the noms come I have already given up. I don't even care anymore. Frankie noms Cody and Victoria, as promised.  By now I have turned off the feeds. I'm just checking in with twitter for nom updates, and to see if Julie Chen has finally decided what the Gold Button Rewind rules really are. The last report said that Derrick would not be eligible to play in the Rewind HOH competition. Are you sure Julie? Can we finally quote you on that???

I check back with the feeds later in the evening, and it's Victoria that brings me a little joy. She is up in the HOH with Frankie. It's a meandering convo that ends up with both of them chomping on chips, but it was worth watching. Frankie pretends that he was completely oblivious to how evil Christine was, and Victoria pretends to believe him. 

And just when I'm thinking that maybe Victoria is finally understanding this game of Big Brother, she proves me wrong. She tells Frankie that she is so proud to be the last woman standing! She is so happy that she lasted longer than Christine.  And then she says "I'm so glad I crushed her dreams of being Britney in The Brigade!"

9/6 1:50 a.m. cam 1

Oh my goodness Victoria!  You don't want to be Britney in The Brigade. You hope and pray you will never be the Britney, because the Britney gets voted out!!!  Will she ever understand this game?  I don't think so.  Even if she makes it to the final two, even if she wins, I don't think she will ever really get it. And if she makes it that far, I guess it didn't really matter anyway.

Later on, when it's finally bedtime in the BB house, Victoria decides to ask some serious questions about sex. They are all in the fire room with the lights out. She addresses her questions to Cody, but all the guys join in and offer up their words of wisdom. 

Victoria, honey, sweetie, do you really want to learn about sex from these nasty boys? Caleb is a BeastMode Stalker!  Frankie is Vulgar-To-the Max!  Cody would flirt with your sister, mother, and grandmother all at the same time! They are the reason someone will make a Bow-Job montage about you on YouTube!!!  And you want them to answer your sex questions?  

9/6 3:08 a.m. cam 2

Two months ago this girl would not sleep in the same room with a man. Last night she was getting ready to sleep in a bedroom with four guys, and decided to ask them all about sex. She may have come a long way since walking into the BB house, but I'm a little worried about where she might end up.  I'm gonna throw some birdseed over the BB wall. Only the crows can save her now.

                                         Have a Dorky Day!

Boo! Hiss! Hooray!!!

Christine walked out of the BB house and the audience booed her loud and clear! It was awesome! I loved it! I've never heard a BB audience boo like that.  I have wanted them to boo plenty of times, but BB runs that audience with an iron fist. The live audience response is as scripted as most of the drs we've been seeing lately. Last night the boos for Christine were music to my ears.

Christine was just so mean! She griped about everything, all the time. She hated everyone! She loved to talk about how much she hated people. She would sit there on the bed, holding a Bible in her lap, and just randomly announce that she hated someone.

Last night I didn't even feel the least bit guilty that those boos made me so happy. And I didn't feel bad for her at all. Christine seems like the kind of person that would have jumped at the chance to be in that audience, booing her most hated house guest. And she would have sneaked in a few hisses, just because!

Those boos really had the other hgs freaked the fook out!  They seemed totally confused, and upset, to hear the audience respond so negatively. They were ready to hide underneath the beds and never, ever, leave the Big Brother house.

But Frankie took control, and shared his theory about those boos. He is certain that she talked trash about his sister in the diary room! And his fans didn't like that one bit. There is absolutely no other explanation. She trashed his family and the fans have spoken.

He said this over and over again throughout the night. He insists that she hated the fact that he is a Grande, that his sister is a superstar Grande, and that his last name is Grande. And it's obvious to him that she trashed the Grande name in the diary room. He plans to say his last name a hundred times in his goodbye message to her. Grande, Grande, Grande!  Frankie is suffering from a Grande delusion about those boos, and there is no telling him otherwise.

Ok, moving right along, we then have some minor freaking out about the gold button. Derrick seems the most upset by its presence. He is still in shock from having won the shortest HOH comp in the history of Big Brother.  That gold button is pushing his panic buttons.

Caleb knows all about the gold button. He describes, in detail, how the button will bring him a recording contract, a trip to Hawaii, and large cash prizes.  Frankie takes control again, and gives a little speech about gold buttons, and how they work in Big Brother. Then he brags some more about how fabulous he is for winning that veto! Did you see him win? Did you see how he won? Did you know he won? Did you know he is fabulous, and that he won the veto?  He is just so damn fabulous!

Some time passes, the feeds go down, and when they return, Voila! Frankie has won the second HOH comp.  The gold button has a sign that says it's their choice, all it takes is one push.  Frankie wants to push it! Please, please, please, let's push it! And moments later, they do it! A countdown clock shows us that the zero hour is Wednesday night.

We know that the gold button pushing resulted in a rewind. At the zero hour, live voting will stop and the game will rewind, dethroning Frankie and pulling his noms off the block. Then the week will be replayed, starting with a new HOH comp. The only mystery that remains is whether Derrick will be eligible to play in that comp.

We know all this twisted gold button info, but the hgs still know nothing. Lots of speculation and paranoia about that button. It looks like Victoria and Cody will be the noms. Will this week be a big waste, since everything will be flipped come eviction night? Or will it be great fun to watch Frankie scheme and plan and manipulate all for nothing? Will Frankie's ego take on a life of it's own? Will Caleb, Cody, and Frankie practice a Chippendales review in front of those damn mirrors?

And let's not forget the most important detail of all. Victoria is the last woman standing in BB16! You go girl! Victoria FTW!!!

                                       Have a Dorky Day!

Derrick! Stop That!!!

Wouldn't it be great if we were all excited about tonight? Double eviction! Woohoo!

If only Derrick hadn't sucked all the fun out of this season. His game play leaves no room for fun. It's all work, work, work. Derrick works double-triple-overtime. Undercover, incognito, very hush-hush. Stealth-mode to the max.

Boring. Monotonous.Tedious. Irksome. Humdrum.

So uninteresting as to cause mental weariness.

Quoting the dictionary or thesaurus is the last resort of a mentally weary writer.  But it's so perfect for today that I'm gonna run with it.

Boring implies feelings of listlessness and discontent.

     Yes. We have all been feeling a bit listless lately.  And I, for one, was not feeling content as I watched Derrick bring Nicole to tears yesterday. She told him that as far as she can figure out, there must be a large alliance running the house.  She then implied that he must be in this alliance.  He proceeded to make her feel like a horrible person for even thinking such a thing.

He told her that when she watches this season, she will feel really dumb for saying this. She crumbled as soon as he used the word dumb.  Her biggest fear the entire season has been that she would be seen as being either dumb or mean. She spent the next hour crying apologies to him. Then, she promised him her vote, and sat down to help him study!

Once again, Derrick turns it around to his advantage. And it should have been exciting to watch. Derrick is playing a great game. He is quite gifted at hypnotizing these dodo-heads into doing exactly what he wants them to do. But he is doing it so well that it pretty much ruins the game for us feed watchers.  Derrick has wrung all of the magic out of watching him work his magic. It just makes us cranky.

What is monotonous bores because of lack of variety.

     Well, that about sums it up! Derrick is a one man Anti-Variety Squad.  He patrols 24/7 and seeks out the smallest bit of game changing talk and squashes it like a bug.  We like the house to flip! We love things to turn on a dime!  We want a power shift!  Nope. Not on his watch!

Tedious suggests dull slowness or long windedness.

     Exactly! It used to be fun to watch Derrick make a hg feel like it was their idea to do whatever he needed them to do.  But now it takes him even longer to get results. Talk talk talk talk talk!!! He eventually get's the job done.  But for us, the thrill is gone.

Irksome describes what is demanding of time and effort and yet is dull and often unrewarding.

    Translated into BB lingo: "Man, I can't even watch the feeds anymore, it hurts my head! Derrick is pissing me off!  He has the game so tied up it's not worth watching!"

I want to hope that tonight's double eviction will be so awesome that we all stay up the whole night watching amazing feeds! And if no one has the guts to get Frankie out, I'm sort of hoping Frankie tries to get Derrick out. You know things are bad when you want Frankie to win HOH!

Derrick's game is just so boring, monotonous, tedious, irksome, and humdrum that I would be happy with any excitement at all. Maybe a week of Frankie being a full blown egomaniacal prima donna HOH is just what we need right now. Gawd help us all. Amen.

                                            Have a Dorky Day!

This post was brought to you by thefreedictionary.com , which is where I will be browsing instead of watching the feeds today

I Want A Banner Plane And I Want It Now!!!

The feeds were more of the same yesterday. Mostly boring, with plenty of lying and butt kissing. They are all trying to set themselves up for safety for a double eviction on Thursday night.  It's impossible to tell whether they are lying or truthing. And do we really care? Let's just go directly to the double eviction and get this season over with already!!

Caleb isn't kissing much butt. His strategy seems to be "Let me tell you what a BB beast I am and then we'll talk some game."  His ego knows no bounds. Yesterday, when he did his HOH blog and tweets, BB gave him a few fan questions to answer. One fan asked what kind of girl he likes. Caleb now believes that BB is his personal dating service.

He is convinced that his answer to this question will bring him thousands of "applicants" to fill the position of girlfriend.  He imagines they will pay $500 for a chance to date him.  He got so excited as he told the guys about this that he had to run to the dr to make sure they were clear on the job description: "Don't love me for my looks, or my truck, just give me $500 and we'll get along real good!"

Victoria has refused to kiss any butt. Derrick tells her to stop spending so much time with Nicole.  He explains that Nicole can't do anything for her game. Victoria needs to be talking to Cody and Frankie and Christine! Victoria say NO!  She doesn't want to. She won't do it! Not one single butt will be kissed by her princess lips!

This is what you end up with if you carry someone through the game. When it finally comes down to it, Derrick has spent endless hours managing Victoria's moods. It's hard, thankless work. And here they are, on double eviction eve, and she finally says NO! What is a master manipulator to do?

Let's see...hmm..anything else happen lately?  Hmmm..Christine told Frankie about coffee enemas and he got a faraway look in his eyes. No..that's not it....hmmm. Oh yeah, I remember now!

A BANNER PLANE FLEW OVER THE HOUSE!!! Yes! Well, allegedly.  We had a long indoor lock down and there were many reports of a banner plane flying over the area. "FRANKIE & DERRICK R THE SABOTEURS" was the alleged message.  If the hgs saw it they aren't telling. And we sure didn't see it. Dammit!

I love the banner plane. I think it's so wild that a fan would spend that kind of money to fly a message over the house! I thrill at the potential for creating paranoia and panic. A shout over the wall is one thing. Those are free. But a plane costs some dollars, takes some commitment. A banner plane is hard to dismiss as poppycock, the way they've  been doing with the shouts. Caleb would take one look at that message and say "I been in the military, and that there banner plane ain't no poppycock!"

I wonder what it's like for people in the neighborhood.  If they don't know diddly about BB, what are they thinking when they see that message fly across the sky? Maybe they have a boss named Derrick! Or a boyfriend named Frankie!  Maybe they are googling "saboteur" and changing their locks right now! I think about the pilot. Is this a risky business?  Will the men in black soon be paying him/her a visit?  Will the pilot give up his client when Julie says "I need an answer now!"?

The thought of this alleged banner plane amused and entertained me for hours.  I imagined myself chartering a banner plane to fly over the BB house. My message? "FRANKIE IS REALLY 31 YEARS OLD!" It might not change the game, but it would really piss Frankie off!  It's a sad day when my imaginary BB life is more fun than my real one.

                                                    Have a Dorky Day!

Red FTW!!! (oops!...wrong feeds!)

Days and days of boring BB feeds brought to you by Caleb wimping out on his plans to backdoor Frankie. It's pitiful. It's infuriating. It's dad-gum crazy!

I didn't have much hope for this plan anyway. But it sure would have been a fun week of feeds. I was kind of looking forward to watching Frankie freak the fook out. I wanna see him scramble, and cry, and plead, and scheme, and ultimately fail! I want me some good BB!!!

The way things are going it may never happen. This week's double eviction might be our only hope. But double evictions are tricky.  The hg's are all hyped up and go into panic mode.  They get freaked out at the idea of making a big move that they might have to pay for 20 minutes later. Will anybody have the guts to nom Frankie?  They are all talking big talk right now, but I doubt any of them will do it. I feel a cranky coming on!

Meanwhile, Frankie is giving Caleb some social media mogul advice. Today Caleb gets to do his HOH blog and tweets. Frankie tells Caleb to blog about him! What a great idea!  Caleb can blog about how he was considering putting Frankie on the block, but then made the best decision of his life when he didn't do it! Blog about meeeeeeeeeee!!! Tweet about meeeeeeeeee!

Frankie is acting like it's no big deal that his alliance talked about backdooring him. I'm not buying it. Are you?  I think that if Frankie wins either double evic HOH comp this week he will take his revenge on them in Grande style. We will be treated to a major production of the Frankie Show. If this happens, it will be both horrible and wonderful to behold.

And what is to become of Victoria?  Does everyone secretly want to end up in a f2 with her?  Is that the only winning strategy for BB16?  And what about us?  At this point in the game, do we loathe them all so completely that we want Victoria to make it to the end and win? Is this what we have come to?

Three more weeks till the finale. The real question is what will become of us?  Will we make it to the end?  This season is in such a sad state that the fans might just start yelling Utopia shout outs over the wall of the BB house!  But we will miss it, because we'll all be over in Utopia signing up to join Red's Utopia State Of Freedom! Red FTW!!!

                                            Have a Dorky Day!