The Mystery Of The Missing Condoms

Yesterday the feeds were that crazy BB mix of boring but interesting. Mostly dull with some game talk sparkles here and there. But, late last night,  Zach and Caleb called a truce.Then Frankie worked his crazy magic with Devin, telling him alarming things in that special way that Frankie has of twisting the truth.  Things went to hell from there. Bomb Squad Outing : The Sequel.  All kinds of crazy things will soon transpire as a direct result of Devin's antics last night.

Meanwhile, everyone seems to have forgotten all about the missing condoms! Earlier in the evening, when the girls were thinking up pranks against the boys, they decided to make condom water balloons. Brittany discovered that three condoms were missing from the box they got from the storage room.  The girls went wild, and stealth whispering ensued.

Speculations led directly to Zach and Frankie. Jocasta told the girls she had heard sex sounds coming from their direction the other night. But then she figured it was just the people in the walls. Um...what? She figured the camera dudes were having sex in the walls, so she just went back to sleep?

The case of the missing condoms was soon forgotten when the Devin crazy fest began. Well, forgotten by all but me. How could the live feeders miss three condoms worth of night vision shenanigans? Why were Zach and Frankie the only suspects? Why didn't each of the girls launch separate, undercover investigations, and report back at the first secret meeting of a newly formed alliance called The Trojans???

I am so intrigued by the behind the scenes details of Big Brother. When I first started following the live feeds, I was amazed that BB supplies the hgs with all kinds of sex related paraphernalia. I tried to imagine the meetings and memos that led to condoms and dental dams being added to the storage room shopping list. Does CBS order them in bulk? Is there a central warehouse that dispenses them as needed?  Do they send an intern out with that shopping list?

Back on the feeds, Brittany and Jocasta seem to have boarded the Devin crazy train. Everyone else is wondering what the hell went on in that HOH room with Devin, Jocasta, and Brittany. They practice their holy mantra: deny, deny, deny! These hgs are more concerned with the game than the missing condoms! What a bunch of silly heads!

I suspect that  Caleb and Devin slipped those condoms into their pockets just in case their stalk-mance dreams come true. When the girls discovered the condom shortage, diversionary tactics were required. Caleb forms a truce with Zach and sends Frankie upstairs with a secret coded message. Devin deciphers the message, and creates a decoy by proclaiming that he is now going rogue. Frankie did his best to garble that secret message, so there is still a chance that the evidence will lead us back to Zankie.

The girls secret condom alliance seems to have disbanded. The Trojans are no more. I can only hope that live feeders across the land are searching the archives for clues. Examining every minute of night vision footage for telltale signs of hanky-panky. Please, live feeders, don't fail me now!

                                                                   Have a Dorky Day!

Code Word: Apple Pie

So, it turns out that I don't have to be asleep to miss whats going down on BB. I don't even have to be on the wrong camera! I witnessed the apple pie convo in the kitchen and never suspected a thing. Donny made a couple weird faces, and I thought it was just Donny being Donny. Derrick was fidgety when he went to the back yard, but I figured that he was just worried about  Zach. And Frankie was just being Frankie, singing a medley about apple pie, bald eagles, and America.

Team America code words flying all over the place, and I am completely oblivious!  Caleb's story about bald eagles knocking goats off the mountain distracted me! The ice cream talk made my mind wander! Donny's idea of opening an ice cream and water restaurant bamboozled me!

And when did our Team America alliance meet up in the storage room for their first official meeting? Or was it in the back yard? Wherever it was, I missed that too! I must have been busy giggling hysterically at Devin's goofy grin as he was daydreaming about having even more daughters, this time with Brittany. That dude is seriously whacked.

Yesterday was mostly boring, with a sprinkling of lunacy. Caleb wants to give the Bomb Squad promise rings, while Devin sharpens his scalpel to cut the cancer out of his alliance. I think the cancer  is Caleb, but it might be spreading fast to the other members of  "The Squad".  Zach is on suicide watch as he spirals out of control. And Brittany is considering not accepting the Veto if Devin uses it on her!!! That's just plain crazy talk!

Two weeks into the game, and Frankie looks totally frazzled as he runs from room to room, alternately starting and putting out fires. Devin watches his spy cam while teaching himself how to read lips. The Bomb Squad lower echelon plots a Coup d'etat to dethrone Caleb and Devin. And Brittany seems fairly serious about her crazy idea of refusing the Veto.

These people are playing as if it's week ten, not week two. No wonder I missed the code words!  It's like we have been plopped down in BB mid season. We are naked and afraid!  EVERYBODY JUST CALM THE FOOK DOWN!!!!!

                                                                             Have a Dorky Day!

Why Is Andy On My Feeds?

Yesterday's feeds were crazy good fun!  Alliances are crumbling, bromances are ending, and a berzerker is ruling the house!  I think that top secret Bomb Squad alliance meeting  up in the HOH  went well, don't you? Devin has obviously worked covert operations before. He sure knows how to keep his alliance hush hush. And he has a no fail back up plan if anyone suspects anything: deny, deny, deny! That should work. Why worry?

As any  previous HOH will tell you, it's always a good idea to simultaneously confuse, alarm, demoralize, and expose your alliance members just moments before the POV comp starts. Let's put on our BB big boy pants and win that POV!

So we had a day filled with POV, Have Nots, secret meetings (NOT!), broken promises, and twisted love. And to add to our viewing pleasure, yesterday was the first day of BB intern training for the ON/OFF switch for the feeds. This in depth training course will continue for the next three months. There will, as usual, be no graduates from this master class.

Some days during BB, I try to imagine the control room. Maybe the feed switch is really simple, like a light switch. The words ON/OFF have faded after so many seasons, and now there are little post its with arrows and smiley faces to guide the way. But the post its keep falling off. The intern doesn't want to bother the control room guys with silly questions about one little switch, so he just flips that thing randomly. The feeds go up, the feeds go down. No particular reason.

In another possible control room scenario, I imagine that the switch has a fail safe mechanism, and it takes two interns, who each have a key, to flip the switch.. These interns are quick to master turning the feeds off, but  they just can't get the hang of turning them back on.  So they simply pretend like everything is okay, and hope nobody notices that the feeds have been down for hours and hours.

This season, it's a three way switch: ON/ Fish/ Stupid Jeff Interviews. And the Jeff interviews keep getting stuck on Andy. Last night they had Andy popping into every convo, in every room. Ugh! Why is Andy on my feeds??? Hurting me!!!

Remember the good old days when we complained about the BB trivia we had to endure when the feeds were down for a comp?  Remember when the fish cam showed a beautiful aquarium, with lovely fishes that we could name and make up stories about? Alas, this seasons fish cam shows us a murky mess. And there is nothing we can do about it. Those interns will be flipping the switch on us willy and nilly. The post its will say ON/Swamp Thing/ Andy The Rat. The mute button is our only hope.

                                                                           Have a Dorky Day!

Whut???

I close my eyes for one minute and look what happens! Well, actually I went to bed. I just wasn't in the mood to wait for hours to see Devin cry one more time, in the HOH reveal.  And Amber was already complaining about how hard it was to be HOH, and she was getting on my nerves. Ugh.

I wake up to discover that our whole  BB timetable is all topsy turvy from this seasons twisted twist. Nominations have already happened? Whut??? 

Plus, the BB Rule Book made it's first appearance! I love it when the rule book comes out. I want one! I would be flipping through those pages every day! Earlier in the evening, Jocasta  brought out the rule book in the storage room. There was some question about food deliveries or something. Of course Devin was there, he needs more food NOW! Most of the house guests were surprised to hear that there was a BB rule book. Jocasta seemed to be the only one who knew of it's whereabouts. She doesn't miss much.

The rule book came out again a while later. Well, the readers digest version of the rule book. Amber reads the rules of nominations to Devin.. And then Devin shares his thoughts on the noms with Amber. For most of this convo, he is staring off at everything else in the room but Amber. Then Amber starts doing the same thing. Every time they happen to look at each other they look away really fast and just kinda ramble on, not really saying much of anything.

Four noms makes for really crazy strategy convos with the Bomb Squad. Once again this twist is messing with my mind. And the accelerated schedule doesn't give me much time to recover.They did the nominations in the middle of the night? We already have the winners of the Battle of The Block?? Whut? It feels like I'm on a BB speed date.

My BB brain hurts. I don't even want to think about a week of Devin as HOH. He is tarnishing my shiny-happy-newbie vibe. It's the 4th of July and there is work to be done, celebrations to attend.  I must prep my carrot dogs. Yes, it's a steamed, grilled, carrot on a bun. And Devin can't have any!

                                                                         Have a Dorky Day!

House Meeting!!! Hidey-Ho-Ho!!!

I was mostly lurking after the show last night. Putzing  around the house, mumbling Hidey-ho-ho, and having a little chuckle. Earlier in the day Caleb was trying to remember "You know what I mean, what cowboys say when they are on the mountain, in the sunset, waving their hat? Hidey-ho-ho, or something like that."  That Caleb is such a hoot!

That little tidbit could have carried me through to the eviction. Seriously, this first week of  live feeds has been one delight after another.  What more could a girl ask for?

HOUSE MEETING!!! Those two little words make me swoon. Plus, it was a real time double feature, playing alongside Episode 100 of StalkMance: The Miniseries.

Chat was rolling fast as we all settled in for some fun. When it comes to house meetings, I prefer the kind that explodes in screaming hissy-fits. Complete with name calling, food throwing, and door slamming. Now that's a house meeting! Last nights meeting was the other sort of house meeting. The kind where one hg reveals how ridiculously crazy they are, and the other hgs sit there with mouths agape and eyes agog.

While Devin is giving his I Have A Daughter speech in the living room, Caleb is reciting his epic love poem, I Made You Ice Cream, to Amber, in the hive room. It was really difficult to choose which spectacle to watch. I could not look directly at Devin as he sobbed about his integrity blah blah blah. One week of looney toons game play and he is having his 15th melt down. It's not pretty, and I am not looking.

I decide to watch his audience. How they sat there without bursting into giggle fits I have no idea. Maybe all those hours of listening to Caleb's delusions of Amber were combat training for just this moment. Because gawd only knows what would happen if one of them let loose a snicker. 

Meanwhile Caleb and Amber seem to be making progress in the hive room. Amber has a way of talking around the subject, never quite saying too much about anything. But whatever she is saying, Caleb is hearing that she really wants to go on a date, in a horse and carriage. And there will be flowers and romance, and he will make her ice cream for all the days of her life. As they hug it out, Caleb's hat bumps Ambers head in that certain way that tells Caleb she really is into him. Hat bumps don't lie.

Everyone  gets up and they head to the kitchen to watch the have have-not food fest. I am smiling to myself as I finally turn off the feeds and get ready for bed. Such a perfect end to a crazy ass week of BB. I am content, and all is well with my BB world. 

Well, we still have today, with several hours before the feeds go down for tonight's show. And if, in those precious hours, Zach and Frankie would finally make out, this would be the best first week of BB ever! Hidey-Ho-Ho!!!

                                                                 Have a Dorky Day!

Train Wrecks Galore!

Have we ever had this many potential train wrecks so early in the season? Like week one early? All on separate tracks, departing from different stations, destined to derail in whatever the hell universe they are speeding through?

Joey's train just keeps on crashing. It doesn't realize it has already gone up in flames. Three times already! Last night she hopped on  her train for a fourth time and did a repeat performance of Alex. This character is her new campaign manager, and his main job seems to be to scare the living daylights out of the other house guests.

There has been some talk that Alex is a task assigned to Joey as the first member of Team America. If that's the case, we should call her locomotive the Grodner Crazy Train, because absolutely no good can come of this. At least Joey's wreckage doesn't have any real impact on any of the other players.

Caleb and Devin's trains have huge monster engines that can smash right through mountains. Separate trains, but the same Bomb Squad passengers. Both monster trains have the potential to destroy the games of their alliance members. Caleb and Devin seem to have each other's back, but they rarely think about the safety of the other bombers.  And they have no idea they are riding separate trains.

Caleb's train has a special car for Amber. He is still decorating it. I hope Amber makes it to the Greyhound station in time to make her escape!  He claims he will wait till after  the HOH comp to invite her join him in that car, so that she can maybe apologize to him. But I don't think that train is gonna wait for HOH. You can see the smoke coming out of his ears. That train is ready to roll!

Meanwhile, the other house guests line up for tickets to watch the fun. Even as the Bomb Squad members fear they may be outed by the coming train wrecks, they squeal with delight at the thought of such a glorious spectacle. Frankie and Zach are so excited they are pinching each others nipples!

I love a good train wreck. But I kinda like this cast, so I am sending them a care package of helmets and tutus.  The helmets will protect them from the shrapnel, while the tutus act as a diversion. They best put them on right now!

                                                                    Have a Dorky Day

Am I Tripping? Or Is It You?

Today begins day five of BB16 live feeds. Day five? That can't be right. We have a stalk-mance, bro-mance, gay-mance, and a wide variety of weird-mances.  There are prayer circles, Kabbalah cliques, meditation classes, and more Bibles than we can count. Singing! Dancing! Streaking! It seems more like mid season than the first week.

Alliances have been formed, disbanded, and outed.  We have final two deals up the wazoo! Breakdowns, melt-downs, and showdowns have already transpired.  It's like this is BB Advanced Placement Class. Complete with a Prom.

This is the strangest first week of BB ever! I know we say that every season, but this year it may be true. Three men sleeping in a bird nest? Every straight guy in the house cuddling with the gay guy?  House guests kneeling around the bed to pray? A highly functioning sociopath hunting guide who can sing, dance, build motorcycles, braid-foil-and-color your hair, charm the gay dude, and kill a wild hog with a stick?   Seems mighty strange to me.

It's wild enough that we have a full force stalk-mance going week one. Caleb has managed to channel all the previous BB stalkers into one terrifying beast.  His confession to Amber, that he wants to get to "know" her, was one of the most awkward hour of live feeds I have ever seen. It gave me the heebiest of jeebies.

Then we have Devin. That boy is just plain kookoo. In addition to his hundreds of other highly delusional and OCD issues, this guy has a serious food trip. First he eats all the food in the house, then he fasts for 24 hours, then breaks the fast with a half coffee-half cola shake. He is now convinced he is gaining weight, and plans to run laps all day today. This guy's body has women swooning, and he thinks his face is too fat.  He drones on endlessly about how hard this game is. Droning, droning, all the day long. Everyone is just tuning him out. Even in his enforcer mode. Devon speaks, and the hgs cringe and fall asleep.

Last night he did, somehow, get Caleb to realize his stalk-mance was going nowhere. That may be Devin's biggest contribution to his alliance. Five minutes later, he is covering his head with a towel so no one can see his fat face. Seriously kookoo.

Meanwhile, Christine and Nicole are swinging on the hammock, gazing upon the madness that is swirling around them, and giggling up a storm. They are stealth whispering with such expertise I can't hear one word they are saying. But I know what they are asking each other. "Are we tripping? Or is it them?"

                                                        Have a Dorky Day!!!