Rewinds, Rat Patrols, And Cowtopia Sex! Oh My!

While everyone else was over in Utopia watching some night vision hanky panky, I was waiting for the results of the Veto comp.  I'm guessing that BB production got the memo about two Utopians having sex in the cow shed, because they turned on the feeds while the hgs were still locked in separate rooms, waiting for the timed comp to be over.

Sorry Big Brother, Victoria locked in the storage room can't compete with a cow cam and sexy, slurping, sound effects. I was pretty much the only one in chat still watching BB feeds.

Caleb is locked in the hive room, shouting out hashtags about being American. He is a Made In America BeastMode Cowboy! Then he starts rambling about tailgate parties and celebrating America.  This turns into a public service announcement about nose picking. "Don't be diggin' in yer nose!" Caleb, Caleb, Caleb! What in the world are you auditioning for now?

Derrick is pacing in the fire room. He is nervousing big time. Victoria is in the storage room with all that food, and so many mirrors! She is foraging, nibbling, and looking in the mirror every 5 seconds. Derrick is pacing like a madman, and Victoria is just sitting around reading labels. The only thing she seems worried about is how she looks while reading labels. Not a BB care in the world.

Frankie is locked up in the HOH room making sure the cameras are following his every move. He is performing his I-Am-So-Fabulous-I-Build-Schools-In-Africa monologue. We have about 5 minutes of this nonsense before an intern tears himself away from watching the Utopia cow/sex cam long enough to switch us back to stupid Jeff videos.

The feeds come back, and of course, Frankie won the Veto. He won it for his boys! To keep his boys safe! He is carrying these boys to the final four! He's won so many comps he can't even count them anymore! He is such a huge target now!  But it's all for his boys!  Frankie leaps, and twirls, and sings about his boys!

Meanwhile, Derrick, Caleb, and Cody are all busy counting Frankie's wins, while trying to remember when The-Best-Worst-Alliance-Ever changed it's name to Frankie's Boys.

Derrick and Frankie have a quick Team America meeting in the bathroom. Once again, they figure out a way to do the task in the most half-assed way possible. The task is to wear down the competition by convincing everyone there's a rodent in the house and keep them up all night trying to catch it.

That sounds like an all night task to me. I'm America!  I'm in this alliance too! So are you! If you were the least bit interested in this stupid task, wouldn't you want crazy Rat Patrol antics all night long?  Does Team America care a damn about America? Nope!

At 12:38 they decide that that they will just keep everyone awake playing pool. Then at 3:00 they will start the Rat Patrol. They will only have to keep it up till 6:00. Derrick wants to start at 2:00, making sure it's long enough. Frankie says no, 3:00 is fine, well within the parameters of the task. Team America has officially turned an all night task into a three hour let's-fool-production-and-America con job.

The Rat Patrol is amusing for a little while. Cody up on a chair is hilarious. Caleb is a fearless rat hunter who would have torn that kitchen apart if Derrick didn't get him busy making mouse traps. Victoria just screamed a lot. By 6:00 Team America is confident that they gave BB enough rat related shenanigans to win the task. None of the other hgs seem to question why, all of a sudden, it's okay to call off the rat patrol and go to bed.

So, Frankie's Veto win means nothing. The Gold Button Rewind makes it null and void, along with his noms, and his HOH win. This makes me a wee bit happy.  But it makes me wonder if that golden button truly rewinds everything.

Does the rewind also work on the TA task? Snatching the $5000 right from their hands? Making us shout with glee at another overwhelming fail? Yes. please!

                                                   Have a Dorky Day!

Where Is That Damn Rule Book?

What can I say? Team America finally gets a fun task, and they twist it to make Zach the target once again. They must steal a piece of clothing from each hg and form a neighborhood watch to patrol the house for 24 hours. It's great fun to see the hgs go crazy trying to find all the things that Team America has hidden. The patrol uniforms are hilarious. Frankie's patrol songs are annoyingly loud but still kind of fun. Caleb is a little scary though. He is following Victoria around, up close and personal. I keep expecting him to give her a chest bump. BeastMode Bully at your service, ma'am.

Zach is climbing on the furniture wondering who the hell set the monkeys loose. Last thing he knew, the monkeys were safely locked up until he needed them. Now the monkeys have been set free by persons unknown, and he is getting blamed for it. Some serious monkey business is going down!

But it's no fun watching Frankie and Derrick try to ruin Zach's game one more time. They are only too happy to blame Zach for the missing items. Then Frankie begins his own secret mission to convince everyone that Zach has been a saboteur all along. And that he has been making piles of money while trying to sabotage them all! It's the thought of Zach making money from his mischief that really makes everyone mad.

It's all about not getting blood on his hands. Frankie will now be the hero for getting the saboteur out of the game! Frankie even blames Zach for forcing them to use Skittles to choose noms. It's all Zach's fault for not volunteering to go on the block to throw the BOB.  Those Skittles are proof positive that Zach is the saboteur!

Out in the back yard, Zach has an attack of monkey fever. He steals the cue ball, and hides it in the bathroom. Zach, you silly monkey butt!  You are hopeless! Doomed! You have zillions of fans rooting for you right now! Even Frankie's superstar sister is tweeting mind control messages to Frankie to keep you safe! 

Caleb and Cody, on patrol in their Chippendales costumes, find the missing cue ball, and the lynch mob is now victorious. That cue ball has sealed Zach's fate.  Then the missing items are discovered.  The hgs celebrate for a bit, and then it's back to patrolling the house.  Most of the patrolling focuses on Zach. They patrol him up one side and down the other. They patrol him up the wazoo.

Frankie and Caleb take Zach up into the HOH to tell him he will be going on the block. Frankie takes every opportunity to tell Zach that everybody wants him out. He repeats this over and over as he lists all the reasons Zach must go.Frankie very clearly says that he will be putting Zach up as the replacement nom. 

This is against the rules. People do it all the time, but it's usually not this obvious.. Does Frankie have a secret plan to get caught breaking this rule? Does he want it to appear that he has no choice but to nom someone else? Someone like Derrick perhaps? Is Frankie that smart? Is it even a possibility that production would enforce this rule?  Of course not.

Zach, our little monkey mischief maker, seems to take this news pretty well. He agrees that it's the best move for Frankie to nom him. He encourages him to nom him. Why waste an HOH getting Victoria out of the house?  She isn't even playing the game dude, you gotta nominate me!

Meanwhile, Victoria is convinced she is the best BB player in the house, because she said that Zach was a saboteur week two!!! She knew it all along! She has this game all figured out! "OMG you guys, I am smarter than all of you!"

The neighborhood watch soldiers on. The duty roster is posted. For Team America's task to succeed they must have a pair of hgs on watch at all times for 24 hours. This pair cannot be two TA members. And they can't just lay around, they have to actively patrol.  Somewhere in the wee hours of the morning, the watch falls apart, and we have a solitary guard just sitting there.

Around this time twitter goes crazy with cries of foul play. Frankie broke the rules by telling Zach he is going up!!! This rule is broken every week, but now people.want production to wake up and dispense punishment! Plus, Team America did not complete it's task, because there were solitary guards who didn't even patrol!!! Where is the rule book?  Live feeders everywhere are demanding justice!

People really want Frankie to get a spankie! And they don't want Team America to get any money for this task. I don't either. I say give it to the monkeys, and set them free for good.

                                                      Have a Dorky Day!

I'm Confused....Again!

Week four of BB16 begins with me completely lost when the feeds return after the show. The house guests are all talking about the amazing HOH comp. Wait..whut? The egg comp is the most fun, exciting, amazing comp they have ever seen! There were more details discussed about this comp than any comp so far this season. Maybe in all the history of BB! Each comp duo replays their egg strategy over and over. I am so confused!!!

Did I watch the wrong show? The wrong comp? Because it looked to me like the same silly egg and chicken wire comp we have seen before. It's not fun. It's awkward and difficult and kind of boring to watch. Did the partner twist make it more fun? They just keep saying how much damn fun that comp was. I don't get it.

Then Frankie races from room to room screaming about how excited he is that he won HOH. He jumps up on everyone and hugs them! He is sooooooooooo happy. Ridiculously happy. Obnoxiously happy. Shut up already happy. This confuses me even more. Didn't Cody win too? Don't they still have to do the Battle of the Block? Didn't Frankie already win an HOH comp the first week? Like 3 weeks ago?  Why is he so excited now?

Then Team America starts talking about their new challenge to nominate a strong competitor. They hatch a plot to say that they believe Amber to be a really strong competitor, but she won't be their real target. They wonder aloud if America will buy it. I may be confused, but I'm not buying it, are you?

Talk turns to Victoria, and I feel a little better. It turns out all the hgs are confused about Victoria. Me too! The boys are seriously confused, because Victoria keeps cuddling them and causing them to get..um..let's say..um.. excited.  They can't believe she has no idea what she is doing. She says that, for religious reasons, she cannot sleep in the same room with a man. But she has been climbing into bed and cuddling with almost every guy in the house!

They discuss sleeping arrangements, and how Victoria now says she could sleep in a room with Cody, but not any other guy. The house guests just scratch their heads and seem even more confused. It is clear that no one wants to sleep in the same bed as Victoria. She gropes them in her sleep! She climbs on top of them, rearranges their bodies to suit her cuddle needs, and then touches them all over!!! All in her sleep!

Meanwhile, Caleb is basking in his live show afterglow.  He says that the whole time he was sitting in the nomination chair he felt so good that nothing could bother him. It didn't even matter what Devin said in his speech, because Caleb had his shirt unbuttoned, and his abs were on national television! Beast mode cowboy abs!

Caleb's abs shine like a beacon through the fog of my confusion. I revisit the sense of clarity I was experiencing before the feeds came back on. Back when I was basking in my own afterglow, laughing to myself about THE BEST HOME VISIT EVER with Donny's family. This cast may confuse me, but they sure are fun to watch!

                                                 Have a Dorky Day!

I Love You, I Love You Not!

It never ceases to amaze me how quickly my favorite house guests can become my least favorite. Derrick has been playing a great game. He was pretty low key. Good at calming people down and guiding them to a decision that benefits him, without them having a clue that he is manipulating them. I liked Derrick, I really liked him.

And then came Team America. Since he was informed that we voted  for him to be in a secret alliance with America, Derrick's game has gone into hyper drive. America loves them! The viewers believe in them! Team America must fight the good fight for the good of all! They must always vote together! They need a secret hand signal! Plus, it's $5,000 a mission, dude! Ugh.

The cool, calm, collected, undercover player has turned into a blithering nincompoop overnight. Now that he won HOH, he has only gotten worse. Another overnight transformation.  He is talking game so fast and furious it makes my head hurt.

This happens to me every season. A player I love in the morning is banned from my presence by nightfall. I change cameras every time they enter a room. I rant, I rave, I throw popcorn at them whenever they are on screen. Boo! Hiss! Off with their head!

Live feeders are fickle. Whimsical!  Fancy free!  We love who we love, until we don't. Every now and then, we like having someone new to hate in the house. And today, the first day of week three,  I feel refreshed and renewed as I await the results of the Battle Of The Block. I smile a wicked smile as I imagine all kinds of things that can go wrong with Derrick's plan to lead Team America in their mission of good and holy works.

I better run to the store for more popcorn, just in case he ends up being HOH for the week.

                                                                                Have a Dorky Day!

Code Word: Apple Pie

So, it turns out that I don't have to be asleep to miss whats going down on BB. I don't even have to be on the wrong camera! I witnessed the apple pie convo in the kitchen and never suspected a thing. Donny made a couple weird faces, and I thought it was just Donny being Donny. Derrick was fidgety when he went to the back yard, but I figured that he was just worried about  Zach. And Frankie was just being Frankie, singing a medley about apple pie, bald eagles, and America.

Team America code words flying all over the place, and I am completely oblivious!  Caleb's story about bald eagles knocking goats off the mountain distracted me! The ice cream talk made my mind wander! Donny's idea of opening an ice cream and water restaurant bamboozled me!

And when did our Team America alliance meet up in the storage room for their first official meeting? Or was it in the back yard? Wherever it was, I missed that too! I must have been busy giggling hysterically at Devin's goofy grin as he was daydreaming about having even more daughters, this time with Brittany. That dude is seriously whacked.

Yesterday was mostly boring, with a sprinkling of lunacy. Caleb wants to give the Bomb Squad promise rings, while Devin sharpens his scalpel to cut the cancer out of his alliance. I think the cancer  is Caleb, but it might be spreading fast to the other members of  "The Squad".  Zach is on suicide watch as he spirals out of control. And Brittany is considering not accepting the Veto if Devin uses it on her!!! That's just plain crazy talk!

Two weeks into the game, and Frankie looks totally frazzled as he runs from room to room, alternately starting and putting out fires. Devin watches his spy cam while teaching himself how to read lips. The Bomb Squad lower echelon plots a Coup d'etat to dethrone Caleb and Devin. And Brittany seems fairly serious about her crazy idea of refusing the Veto.

These people are playing as if it's week ten, not week two. No wonder I missed the code words!  It's like we have been plopped down in BB mid season. We are naked and afraid!  EVERYBODY JUST CALM THE FOOK DOWN!!!!!

                                                                             Have a Dorky Day!

Train Wrecks Galore!

Have we ever had this many potential train wrecks so early in the season? Like week one early? All on separate tracks, departing from different stations, destined to derail in whatever the hell universe they are speeding through?

Joey's train just keeps on crashing. It doesn't realize it has already gone up in flames. Three times already! Last night she hopped on  her train for a fourth time and did a repeat performance of Alex. This character is her new campaign manager, and his main job seems to be to scare the living daylights out of the other house guests.

There has been some talk that Alex is a task assigned to Joey as the first member of Team America. If that's the case, we should call her locomotive the Grodner Crazy Train, because absolutely no good can come of this. At least Joey's wreckage doesn't have any real impact on any of the other players.

Caleb and Devin's trains have huge monster engines that can smash right through mountains. Separate trains, but the same Bomb Squad passengers. Both monster trains have the potential to destroy the games of their alliance members. Caleb and Devin seem to have each other's back, but they rarely think about the safety of the other bombers.  And they have no idea they are riding separate trains.

Caleb's train has a special car for Amber. He is still decorating it. I hope Amber makes it to the Greyhound station in time to make her escape!  He claims he will wait till after  the HOH comp to invite her join him in that car, so that she can maybe apologize to him. But I don't think that train is gonna wait for HOH. You can see the smoke coming out of his ears. That train is ready to roll!

Meanwhile, the other house guests line up for tickets to watch the fun. Even as the Bomb Squad members fear they may be outed by the coming train wrecks, they squeal with delight at the thought of such a glorious spectacle. Frankie and Zach are so excited they are pinching each others nipples!

I love a good train wreck. But I kinda like this cast, so I am sending them a care package of helmets and tutus.  The helmets will protect them from the shrapnel, while the tutus act as a diversion. They best put them on right now!

                                                                    Have a Dorky Day